


Stargazers

by alectrona



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: M/M, happy birthday hoshi!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-14
Updated: 2017-06-14
Packaged: 2018-11-14 02:30:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11198574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alectrona/pseuds/alectrona
Summary: of where the night sky and the constellations are our storytellers.





	Stargazers

You and I, we would crawl on top of the hood of your army green Jeep and watch the stars. I can still feel it in my skin: the biting breeze of the winter night sky, the cold steel hood below, the soft fuzzy blanket, and your fingers interlocking mine. I loved snuggling to your oversized sweaters; like you, they encompass me in warmth and assure me company. I would point out to you The Big Dipper, Orion’s Belt, and all you did was hum and smile at me. Sometimes you would call me cute and hugged me tighter, although I did nothing more than explain to you how the constellations got their names.

You see, over the course of four years, we’ve seen so many different constellations -- I know because I keep track of them in my stargazing journal. What day, how the night was like, where we were, and sometimes, what you wore and how I felt. Those notes, these constellations, they aren’t just properties for my self-indulgence; they tell about you as much as they tell about the night sky.

 

 ** ✩ ** ** aquarius – the water bearer **

It all started when you sat on the empty chair beside me in Medieval Literature. Plain black t-shirt, skinny jeans, jet black hair.

“The homework was quite easy this time around, don’t you think?” I had no memory of your face nor your smile before (trust me, a smile like yours is an unmissable one), and I’m quite sure a critical essay on The Divine Comedy is by no means a _“quite easy”_ homework.

I would never forget the look on your face when you realized that your Lotte Mart Marketing Plan doesn't _quite_ belong in Medieval Literature. Looking at you frantically apologizing to the professor and running to your Marketing class gave me the heartiest laugh I've had in months. Thank you for that, dearest sunshine.

“Well, that was embarrassing,” your voice distracted me from my sandwich lunch.

“Well, I think that was one of the funniest things I've seen this semester.”

“What was your homework again?”

“Critical essay on The Divine Comedy.”

“Ah, I see. Whatever that is…”

“At least your comedy earlier was divine,” said I, chuckling.

“That was a very lousy wordplay. Totally my type. My name is Soonyoung!”

“I take that as a compliment. I'm Wonwoo.”

And like how Aquarius paints us the story of how Zeus kidnapped Ganymede captivated by his beauty, I am too, captivated by you.

 

 ** ★ ** ** horologium – the pendulum clock **

Time seems to have its own bizarre way of working when I'm with you. Whenever I'm with you, an hour feels like a minute, with every frame and every moment so cherishable. I would know the next line to your puns and with you, I can share any stories and curious questions without the fear of boring you.

Whenever you're not with me, however, time seems to elongate itself, and I found myself counting down the seconds until I can laugh at your jokes (and probably annoy you) again.

I felt like I've known you for a very long time even though two winters haven't passed us by. You emanate such comfort that I couldn’t help but coming back for more. Perhaps this is what desperate romantics and poets call soulmates? Is this what they call _love_? I wouldn’t know as if it truly _is_ , you’d be my first.

 

 ** ✧ ** ** delphinus –  the dolphin **

The page says December, 11. The constellation was Delphinus, the dolphin. Nothing much was written beside these.

December, 11, was the day you found me lying on my floor, beaten up and distressed. I've had enough failures after failures jabbed into me, until my knee weakened and my stomach gave in. _Why was I mediocre?_ I wailed. _Why wasn't I selected, why can't I be the best?_ I sobbed. _Stop projecting your expectations to me, I will not live up to them, why can't you be proud of what I have achieved?_ I slammed my debating trophies to the wooden floor. _I fear failure,_ I whispered to your ears.

Unlike others, you didn't come back to me saying I was already _good enough_ and tell me to be grateful of what I already have. You didn't say the empty, hollow words of _it's okay._ In fact, you didn't say anything. You just held me tight, rubbed me on the back, caressed my nape (I still theorize, until today, that those fingers of yours have healing powers).

“Everybody does, too.”

I buried my head on your shoulder, on what seemed like a perfect fit.

“I never measure you from your certificates and wins, you know.”

You smell of musky cedar. They're comforting.

“Without your support and jokes, I would never have the strength to join and go on with that dance competition. Your presence in every competition rounds means a lot to me. Also your vegetable crackers after every dance practice.”

“You said you hated them.”

“I would say I hate everything about you, wouldn't I.”

Laughing with snots all over your face are truly the worst.

“You are kind at heart, Wonwoo. You must know, and you _have_ to remember that people love you because of that. You can have a thousand trophies and win in numerous debates, but that's not what I love you for.”

Your caressing stopped.

“I love you, okay?”

Not to be overly dramatic and hopelessly in need for romance, but upon those words I sensed a thousand tiny fireworks explosions running through my spine. It made sense now why I always yearned for our dinners, and why I fretted so much about our Netflix nights. It made sense why I was willing to walk all the way to your studio every Wednesday and Friday just to give you a wee pack of vegetable crackers. All the seemingly preposterous things we do (including the zoo and aquarium visits, and the microscope birthday present you so very much detest) made sense.

Maybe the desperate romantics and poets were not being hyperbolic, maybe people were right, maybe I am in love with you.

“I think I ruined your clothes with my snots.”

“This is my favorite tee, you know.”

“Soonyoung, you literally have this t-shirt in four different variants of gray.”

To your protests, that night we climbed to the rooftop. Delphinus is normally dim, but in the night of December 11, it was as bright and as easily noticeable as Venus in the morning sky.

Delphinus is the dolphin that saved the life of the poet Arion. And you, you are the star that saved me.

 

 ** ✰ ** ** ursa minor –  the lesser bear **

Sometimes I wish navigating our lives was as easy as finding true north in a compass, or how the mariners look up to Polaris, the North Star, to find their way back home. Straightforward, definitive, sequential. Perhaps if we have such compass, we wouldn’t have to drift apart.

You wouldn’t be so blinded by your greed, and I wouldn't be so selfish. Perhaps we would sit down and discuss, instead of feigning ignorance and disappear.  I wish you’d remain as the person I fell in love with four years ago, one who gives all-ears to my stories and doesn’t demand anything back. Perhaps if our compass existed, you wouldn’t be so hellbent in doing what _you_ wanted for our relationship.

I’m sorry I was not there when you needed me the most – I should’ve known better that I am not the only one in need for solace when insecurities strike. Despite your assertion and resolution, you are at the end of the day, human. I couldn’t forgive myself how I was absent the nights you needed me to be brave and strong and be your source of healing. I am sorry.

It was hard to resume normalcy after you left. It was not the date nights nor the eloquent sweet words – it was more of who would I share my takeouts with and who would I run to when I need a good laugh. The worn down bluetooth speaker lacks your EDM tunes, and the cupboard half empty without your collection of oversized t-shirts. I told you I wanted to wake up next to a forest, but I realize it is your plump cheeks against the pillow I wanted to wake up next to the most.

I missed you, so very much that it hurts. I am sorry.

 

 ** ☆ ** ** aquila — the eagle **

I thought it’d be quick and I’d get over you in a month or so, and _oh boy_ I have never been so wrong. I threw away our old bedsheets because they reek of your smell; the unmade bed reminded me of our lazy mornings; and the rooftop was too unbearable because the vivid sensation of our first kiss still lingers in its air. I moved out, I aimed to start anew this uncharted voyage without you in it.

After you, there were some Kims or Parks or Lees, yet it just didn’t feel _right_. A recurring relationship deal-breaker was “ _I would never be half as good as he was, wouldn’t I?”_ and to my astonishment, I was always so insolent to nod or give a faint smile.

I didn’t expect that the next time I meet you after six years would be in our very own local observatory, on the evening of July 17.

The bright Canopus shone brightly against the pitch black sky. The dimmer stars, like fairy dusts, gently twinkling, mystifying and calming. I’ve always wondered how lonely we all are, occupants of an infinitesimal fraction of space, floating between dark matters and exploding stars. The vastness of space with ever-expanding, undiscovered edges makes you realize whatever humanic dilemmas we have pale in comparison.

“Wonwoo?”

A familiar voice pulls me back to the ivory-walled observatory — it was you.

“Eh, hi, Soonyoung. Long time no see.”

“It’s been six years, hasn’t it?”

 _Six years, two months, and twenty-three days_. “I guess?”

“How have you been? It’s really nice to see you again!” God, I’ve missed how your eyes are like when you smile. I wanted to plant a thousand kisses there right at that very moment, if only the universe allowed.

“Okay, I guess?

“Do you mind me sitting next to you? I swear I wouldn’t be making any divine comedy this time.” I really wanted to punch you in the stomach.

“Sure.”

And then we sat in silence for what seemed to feel like eternity (it was two minutes).

“Hey. Happy birthday, Wonwoo.”

I didn’t dare to look at your direction — I was confused, elated, afraid. You still remember my birthday? My little birthday ritual?

“I hope you’re happy now, for the coming year, and the years after.”

_Shut up, Soonyoung._

“I hope you’re living a life you will not regret when you’re old and dusty.”

_Seriously, shut up._

“I was wondering whether you’ll go to the observatory, the aquarium, or the mountains this year.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s your little birthday ritual?”

“No, _why_ are you here? Why do you even remember? Why do you even bother?”

“Because you dragged me to one of those three every year, silly,” realizing my biggest worry, your pinky finger nudged mine and never have I wanted more to be lighter than air so that I can float and drift away to space, “of course I’d remember.”

What happened afterwards was somewhat a blur – I recall being startled by your touch, surprised and mad. I thought it was so selfish of you to come uninvited and so suddenly, and bringing forth with you the things I thought I’ve disposed and hid somewhere in the dusty parts of my brain.

You told me you’ve missed me, and that you’ve been visiting either one of the three every July 17 hoping to bump into me. You told me you were hesitant of reaching out to me for we parted without clarity and with a thousand open-ended questions. You read my articles, too (you were proud of me, you said under your breath). You started going to library and bookstores because the woody, vanilla-ish smell of books remind you of me (you successfully fished me for a response when you mentioned Poirot is better than Sherlock, _how could you_ ).

And then you said you have regrets and you’re sorry. For the little, unimportant details I have long forgotten yet you managed to recount perfectly. For the bigger mistakes and vile remarks you directed towards me. And for many other things that didn’t matter at that time – I couldn’t care less, I was preoccupied with the fact that you’re here.

I didn’t know how it happened, but so it happened that your hands are in mine and we watched the twinkling fairy dusts together.

That July 17, I believe that Aquila the eagle brought you back to me, as how it brought Ganymede to Zeus and how it delivered Eros’s arrows. This time, however, I will not let you go.

 

 

**☾☆**

There were many more stars: Gemini (your birthday), Cancer (mine), Pyxis (our adventures in Japan). This black velvety journal has been so vital in my life that I feel incomplete without it near me. Befittingly the last page to this journal is Corona Borealis (the night I proposed to you). The ink is still fresh, it was just last night, as we lounged in the middle of Wadi Rum, Bedouin throw blankets warming us from the cold desert air. There are teardrop marks in the journal (they are yours).

“Wonwoo, are you coming? Let’s go, you’ll miss the sunrise.”

I wonder whether I should grab another set of journals to write about Venus or Mercury as they rose together with the sun today, but I reckon I wouldn’t need any journals anymore for from hereon I’ll inscribe the stars in your skin. To me, you are the storyteller of the stars, constellations, the sky, the universe, its unexplored and unanswered mysteries.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!! u__u this is my first svt (and soonwoo) fic, and made on a whim so i'm sorry in advance for any mistakes! at the time of posting it is 1:25 AM KST time on June 15, 2017, so happy 21st birthday Prince Hoshi!


End file.
